Overcoming Fear: Harnessing Failure for Personal Growth

I won't speak on anything I've not lived or experienced. I am consciously choosing to share this chapter of my life to give you a pictorial representation of my failure and how it has shaped who I am today. Just like every painter, I always like to start with a blank canvas, painting my background for you with multicolours to see the similarities we share. I grew up in a neighbourhood where failure was seen as a mark of the devil. Growing up, I was failure's favourite disciple. What that means is that at every point in my life when I was tested, scored, or graded, I always failed.

To put it plainly, it baffled me. I grew up knowing that I had the potential to stop failing, but I just never knew how or if there were any benefits to failure. I remember the first time in my life that I passed, and everyone was so excited that the evil spirits of failure were finally lifted. I knew how and why I passed, which was simply because I wanted to impress someone I was in love with at the time, and I was terrified that if I failed again, we would end up in the same class. My ego couldn't take it, and I was determined not to fail. At that time in my life, I realized that the reason I had been failing was that I was not putting enough effort into what I was doing. Just as quickly as it took me to decide I wouldn't go through the shame of repeating a class again, the feeling I had when I passed soon faded away. You see, one thing I realized that day was that I had been so focused on why I failed, and coming from a family dynamic of intelligent siblings and parents, I felt like I was the odd one out who kept failing. Even after passing many times and failing many more times in life, I still never felt any sense of fulfilment. In fact, I remember one of my greatest accomplishments at that time was a job promotion I had received. This was supposed to be really special to me because I had failed at many jobs before this, and I felt this position would heal me from my past failures. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill. I can tell you for a fact that the day I got the promotion, to my greatest surprise, the joy I felt lasted no longer than it took my manager to share the good news with me. I remember walking out of that room with a big smile, but by the time I reached my car, the smile had already faded away. One thing I have learned in my lifetime is that running away from failure only makes your achievements feel like another daily task. In fact, if we don't consciously stop to understand where we failed, we can't really know what impact this failure or setback has on us as humans—both positive and negative. You see, failure and setbacks have a high chance of leading to fear and self-doubt. In fact, many psychological theories, such as the "Fear of Failure Theory" and the "Impostor Syndrome," argue that fear and self-doubt result from accumulated failures and setbacks from the age of five years to adulthood, and I don’t need to look for a case study to prove that because I am a living case study. “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” – Suzy Kassem. One effect that my steady failure and setbacks left me with was a heightened fear of failing and a lot of self-doubt. I grew up living most of my life only running from the effects of failure and setbacks: my fears and self-doubt. In all my years and in every 24-hour cycle I have been given in life, the effects of my failures and self-doubt controlled every part of my life. It got so bad, as I painted on our blank canvas, that even when I achieved a milestone in life, it never really lasted. My achievements were quickly overshadowed by my failures, which led to more fear and self-doubt. "Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." – John F. Kennedy. The first time I ever sat down to study my failures, just like I had studied hard not to repeat a class, was the first time I experienced what I call a lasting feeling of accomplishment. You see, taking time to analyze my failures and setbacks taught me one thing: the only person who can and will ever tell you the truth is yourself. The best anyone can offer is what is called an expert opinion. You are the only one who is with yourself 24 hours a day; every day, we are gifted. You are the only one who felt the pain that came with your setbacks and failures. You are the only one who had to pick yourself back up after every failure and setback. That is enough of a reason for you to believe that the sole expert on you is you. If we don't take the time to self-reflect—essentially asking ourselves why we failed and what we did that led us to disappointments—we won’t understand the root of those experiences. One common misconception we all have is automatically linking failure to depression, and I am here to tell you that this is wrong and should be evolved. Failure is not an automatic reason to be depressed; it is an automatic reason to self-reflect. One feeling that often accompanies failure is pain, which is why we automatically link it to depression. The truth is the human brain tends to take the best pictures, and every picture it takes comes laden with the emotions present when the image was captured. If we don’t take time to feel the discomfort that accompanies our failures and setbacks, we are indirectly asking our brains to only give us half a picture of our failures. If a picture is incomplete, how can we truly study our failures to know what not to do and what we need to improve? Only when we consciously ask our brains to provide all the information attached to our pain, fear, self-doubt, and setbacks can we truly understand why we failed in the first place? If we don’t recognize where we failed, we can’t know what needs improvement or what needs to be halted.

Failure is the mirror of our past, just as our accomplishments are. There is a saying that no man is an island, which simply means no one on Earth knows it all. The beauty of studying our failures is that it helps us identify the areas of our lives that need improvement and the skill sets we need to acquire. Failure is the best and fastest way to gain clarity on the very problems we run from: our fear and self-doubt. While failure is an important foundation from which to reboot ourselves, we must consciously acknowledge that studying our failures is not the only way to utilize them. Studying our failures is just step one; it helps us easily identify the next steps we need to take to grow from our failures and setbacks. If there is one thing I've learned in my life, it is that it becomes much easier for the human brain to want to improve when we have a valid reason to do so. Just as I painted, my reason for studying hard at the time was rooted in my desire to impress someone I loved for the first time, and that motivated me to study harder, which ultimately led to my success. There are many external resources in the world that contain information on the tools we need to improve in the areas of our lives where we have previously encountered failure. First, we have to feel the pain and discomfort that comes with failure. Only when we acknowledge this discomfort can we achieve a clear and whole snapshot of our failures. When we understand how, why, and where we have experienced failure or setbacks, we can more comfortably and confidently venture into the world, seeking the right resources to read, study, and acquire the tools needed to improve and avoid similar failures and setbacks when they come knocking again. Failure is simply a tool, and we must recognize that when we focus on the processes of self-reflection, self-study, and sourcing the tools and skill sets we need to grow, we can begin to utilize our failures and setbacks to our benefit. Every 24-hour cycle we experience in life comes with its own tests. Do not be afraid to face them. Don’t let your fear and self-doubt stop you. The reality is that even if you fail every day, just by taking the step to self-reflect and feel the failure, the next time you encounter reasons for your past failures—or when you face your doubts—you will not be the same person, you will be confronting it as an upgraded version of yourself, your Ultra self. You will approach it with new, fresh tools and strategies. Because you have studied your failures, felt the accompanying pain, and sought the right tools for improvement, you will be better equipped to face any new challenge, setback, or fear that comes your way with renewed confidence. Failure is not an automatic path to depression. On the contrary, failure is the fastest and most effective pathway to self-reflection and genuine growth. God is the greatest teacher / Empowered by divine strength. Welcome to the Tribe You are not alone! Written by: 3 King's and 3 Crown's.